Primeval – monster twist!

ITV's homage to 'Doctor Who: Invasion of the Dinosaurs'

ITV and Impossible Pictures have gone public about future plans for their troubled new show Primeval, and have confirmed that because of adverse audience feedback the entire human cast will soon be replaced by the previously hostile CGI dinosaurs. Despite this sudden and enforced change, the production team are looking on the bright side: "The dinosaurs develop personalities, and we follow their adventures through the time anomalies," gabbled an insider. "The show can't fail. It has the one thing Sliders lacked - massive intelligent lizards". TTV has exclusively obtained details of later episodes:

• The Roaring Twenties: A stegosaurus finds itself in prohibition Chicago and goes undercover as a corndog vendor on Madison and 5th. But the ungainly herbivore is unaware that it has accidentally crushed Jack Constanza, the sole provider of Al Capone’s favourite calzones, and soon has a price on its enormous head.
• Could it be Magic?: A diplodocus materialises at the court of Eleanor of Aquitaine and is adopted as the Queen’s necromancer. Impressed by the lizard’s grasp of French, and knowledge of fin'amors, Eleanor is soon in love, but the King’s men believe the reptile to be an agent of Pope Innocent II and plan its downfall.
• The Agony and T-Rextacy: When a tyrannosaurus awakes in 1977, it has no other choice than to disguise itself as a member of Marc Bolan’s road crew. The tour goes well, but unforeseen tragedy beckons when Marc asks Rex to drive him back to Barnes in the mini, not realizing that the monster lacks opposable thumbs and decent clutch control.
• The Saurus: A gorgosaurus stumbles into the Yorkshire Television Studios during the recording of popular tea-time quiz Countdown. Des O'Connor urges the carnivorous beast to take over Dictionary Corner, where he immediately comes up with word 'Cretaceous'. Sadly, no one has the nerve to tell him that he used the letter 'e' twice.
• End of Days: A pterodactyl ends up as the pet of a group of shambolic adolescents who run around a dingy Welsh basement screaming, swearing and crying while pretending to save the world from alien invaders WHO NEVER FUCKING SHOW UP!

Saxon Revealed!

From the moment in a Season Two podcast commentary when Russell T. Davies let slip the enigmatic words "THERE... SAXON... DO YOU SEE IT? DO YOU?" while sounding a horn, fandom has been ablaze with speculation about the meaning of this latest gimmick. Now, after months of negotiation, Tachyon TV can exclusively reveal that the mysterious Season Three meme Mr Saxon is to be played by Biff Byford, lead throat of Saxon, the band at the heart of the 1980's New Wave of British Heavy Metal (NWOBHM).

"I was as surprised as anyone when I was offered the role," explained bemused rock legend Byford "but Russell has been coming to our gigs since we did Swansea Student Union in 1979 so what could I say?" Executive producer RTD took up the story: "As a boy in Swansea I was obsessed by the NWOBHM. NWOBHM this, NWOBHM that, NWOBHM the other. So when I needed an evil maniac of indeterminate status to close the season Biff was the obvious choice. Well actually, I originally wanted the bloke on the cliff from the cover of 'Rainbow Rising' but we couldn't do a deal with Ritchie Blackmore. That cover was so cool, wasn't it? I used to have it on the back of my denim jacket. The envy of Swansea!"

The Doctor Gets the Maiden

Both men promise a shattering end to the series. "All looks lost for the Doctor," smiled RTD, "but just as he faces doom at the hands of Biff and some big lizard-type monster, everyone is stunned when Iron Maiden ride in to the rescue with 'Run to the Hills' roaring at full blast." Byford is rueful about this twist: "Fucking Iron Maiden. They always topped the bill at the Monsters of Rock festival and now they're thwarting me again! Still I can't deny that they've exploited their limited rock repertoire and vaguely satanic trappings more effectively than we did over the years, so I've no real complaints." An ebullient RTD added "Turn your telly up to eleven! This season climax is going to ROCK!"

Biff Byford and Russell T Davies were talking exclusively to Tachyon TV

Torchwood Convention News

Plans continue apace for the eagerly awaited first ever Torchwood convention which will be held on an unknown date outside a Brighton burger van just next to the TK Maxx Amusement Arcade. The confirmed guest at the moment is Tom Price (PC Andy), and for a weekend pass of £300 attendees will also receive a bumper convention pack which includes:

• 3 triple strength BBQ sauce flavoured condoms
• Rohypnol
• Map of convention location in case you come so hard you forget where you are
• Genuine crying and shitting Ianto doll
• "I'm only here for the fucking" badge
• “I’m only here for the fucking badge” badge
• Free plastic stopwatch and a packet of digestive biscuits
• Incoherent and deeply unsatisfying convention schedule by Chris Chibnall
• Stick on “Gwen gap”™ to enhance your teeth
• Cyber-stilettos for the Saturday cabaret

The weekend pass includes free memory wipe at the end of the convention to avoid later embarrassment. For an extra £30 they’ll remove all memories of Torchwood as well.

BSG: SING-A-LONG-A-CYLON

Featuring the vocal stylings of Cylon Dion

The producers of Battlestar Galactica have seized upon the recent renewal for a fourth series by announcing their most ambitious and surprising project yet - BSG: The Musical. Provisionally opening on Broadway in June 2008, the all-singing, all-dancing spectacular hopes to follow in the footsteps of such unlikely spin-off musical successes as The Producers, Spamalot and Stargate on Ice: The Sequel. Musical director Ron Moore is tight-lipped, but Tachyon TV can confirm that the show will be a condensed version of the television narrative, and that existing pop songs will be adapted lyrically for the show. The following tunes are already in the can:

• 'My Heart Will Go On (As Long As I'm in Range of A Resurrection Ship)'
• 'Tigh Your Motherfracker Down'
• 'Les Miserable Frackers'
• 'The Hills of Caprica Are Alive with the Sound of Nuclear Explosions'
• 'Helo, Is It Me You're Looking For...?'
• 'I Lost My Heart To A Colonial Trooper'
• 'Viper at the Gates of Dawn'
• 'Billy, Don't Be A Hero'

In addition to these break-out pop-hits Adama will growl his way through 'Wanderin' Battlestar' ("I'm in command, of a wanderin' Battlestar/ I'm in sole command of a wanderin' Battlestar/ Cylons try to shoot me, think I'm gonna crack/ I've never seen a Base Star that didn't look better lookin' back...").

Adama will also sing a heartfelt love song to President Roslin ('Tell Laura I Love Her') and Colonel Tigh will serenade his dead wife Ellen with 'Don't It Make My Brown Eye Blue'. Meanwhile, Baltar is set to croon a medley of tracks - 'You Were Always In My Mind'. 'I Can't Get You Out Of My Head' and 'Lady in Red' - to Number 6, while 'Boom-Bang-a-Boomer' is set to bring the house down when when Sharon shoots Adama at point blank range.

Moore has confirmed that the musical has lost none of the parent show's edge: "We are warning patrons that the first 16 rows may be covered in entrails".

Dr. Who Season 3 NEWS

Despite the veil of secrecy surrounding Doctor Who Season 3, Tachyon TV has picked up the following hard news emanating from the Cardiff hub:

• Episode 2 is scripted by unknown newcomer William Shakespeare. In the episode, The Doctor and Martha travel back in time and are delighted when they meet the legendary Russell T. Davies, reknowned as the greatest writer in world history.
• Stephen Fry has submitted a script but it has been banned by the BBC as it features an invasion of tea monsters called the Twi'ning.
• The estate of Robert Holmes is threatening a lawsuit unless the Judoon change their tailor.
• This season's 'experimental' episode stars Germaine Greer and Stanley Baxter as pair of 1960's carpenters employed by the Metropolitan Police to maintain their city's police boxes.
• Matthew Waterhouse's vigil outside the Newport production facility enters its third year as he campaigns for Adric to return to the series.
  
• This year's Blue Peter 'Doctor Who Competition' winner will be asked to script edit the entire season.
  
• Industry insiders express concern when it is reported that 17 cases of Barcadi are delivered at the start of every single tone meeting.
  
• Due to budgetary constraints the Daleks will not be fighting in Manhattan after all. They will, however, be involved in a brief squabble in Dulwich.
• Episode 13 is called 'Zog'.