An exclusive survey has revealed that the vast majority of people who claim to have read JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy are lying through their teeth.

"The reality is that three quarters give up after the first 250 pages," explains Dr. Eugene Moriarty, who conducted the survey for Gollum Polls.

"Unfortunately, as far as most people are concerned 250 pages is a novel and so they subconsciously convince themselves that they have waded through 1200 pages, not counting all the maps.

Joss Whedon has unveiled plans for the 19th Buffy the Vampire spin-off series, following hot on the heels of Angel, Giles: A Very English, English Bloke and the Xander and Anya Friday night hit So, I Married an Insufferable Tart.

The new show, based around the character Long Haired Student Eating Cheeseburger in Sunnydale High School Canteen From Episode Twelve, promises to be "darker and more adult" than the last spin-off which took up the story of Bloke in Giles' Magic Shop Who Thinks About Buying a Crystal Ball But Thinks Better Of It When Anya Says Something Kooky.

BBC HUNT FOR 'CAPTAIN ZEP' EPISODES KILLS 4

BBC Archives have launched a 'national treasure hunt' to find missing episodes of the cult 60's sci-fi series, Captain Zep - so they can destroy them once and for all.

"When the original programme was made, there was no such thing as VCRs, so the danger of releasing garbage like this onto video wasn't an option," said The Head of Burning Stuff For No Reason, Sue Dante. "However, the time is now right to scour the world so we can destroy all trace of it once and for all.

"We found some rare prints in the basement of a local church," explains Ms Dante. "So we firebombed it and no trace of crap CSO remains. If the fans had their way we'd be releasing this rubbish onto DV-bloody-D!"

Executive producers of Enterprise are regretting their attempt to link the new Trek series to current world events. Namely their claim that the show's villains - the Suliban - were inspired by the former Afghanistan ne'er-do-wells, the Taliban.

Events came to a head at the start of the second season, as the show attempted to conclude last season's cliff hanger. "After the Suliban kidnapped Captain Archer's dog Porthos, and used the dog's personal access codes to take over the ship, we ran into a little snag," explained Brannon Braga.

"Firstly, we couldn't find a skintight Burka for T'Pol and secondly, our idea of taking this big threat we'd spent a whole season building up, and then transforming them into a badly organized group of headless chickens who suddenly switch sides and join the Federation… well, it didn't go down very well with the focus groups".

However, that was nothing when compared to what happened when Top Secret script notes for the series leaked out and disclosed that the 'Taliban' were taking orders from a mysterious fugitive who was guest starring periodically on the show.

Michael Jayston has revealed that Robert Holmes' first draft of the final episode of Doctor Who's 'Trial of a Time Lord' was very different from the transmitted version.

"I confronted Colin Baker in the Matrix and he defeats the Time Lords by eating the Valyard," says Jayston. "But not before spreading me with St Ivel Gold.

"It's the buttery spread with half the fat and all the taste," he added.

Asked if he missed getting all that lucrative voice-over work in the 80s Mr Jayston refused to comment, and instead he started crying in a corner.

"I put on forty stone practicing to eat that bloody Valyard," said Colin Baker indignantly. "But then they changed it to a megabyte modem with flashing light bulbs at the last minute!"