| THE X-FILES - THE END IS NEAR  Euphoria and relief has greeted the news that The X-Files will finally be put to sleep at the end of its current season. Tachyon TV has secured details of the last 3 episodes which will attempt to tie up all the loose ends in the series:
(Pompous Latin title) Part 1 - Scully and some other bloke spend the entire episode traveling around various European hospitals in search of a power socket where they can recharge their mobile phones.
(Pompous Navaho title) Part 2 - Chaos ensues as the twenty different alien races introduced over the course of the show turn up in Earth orbit and try to invade all at once. The show ends on a stunning cliffhanger which dooms Humankind to slavery, total annihilation and really bad bee stings.
(Halle-fuckin-lujah!) Part 3 - Mulder and Scully investigate Bigfoot. |
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| NEXT BUFFY 'GIMMICK' REVEALED  Following the mute episode 'Hush' and the musical 'Once More With Feeling', Joss Whedon has unveiled his next gimmick: this time the entire cast will be temporarily blinded - and so will the audience watching at home!
"There won't be any subtitles either, so the hard of hearing will get an extra special feature to enjoy," said Whedon proudly. "I toyed with the idea of having them all standing on one leg and yodeling their lines backwards but James Masters threatened to kneecap me if I went through with it."
When quizzed on the reason for all these gimmicks Whedon remained defiant. "Because I am a living God and the Emmy Academy will bow down before me! I'd like to see The Sopranos sing their way through a whole episode, for christsake!" |
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 DR WHO BACK IN A MINUTE Following the BBC's controversial decision to create a 60 second news programme - the same thing could happen to Dr Who when it returns in the New Year.
The episodes would air on weekdays after Neighbours and just before the national news at 5:59pm. A 5 minute omnibus edition is currently scheduled for Sunday mornings at 7am.
It is estimated that it will take three years to transmit the first season but the production team are still having trouble with the 'cliff-hangers' which traditionally repeat the last 60 seconds of the previous episode.
"We appear to be stuck in a regressive loop," explains series producer, Marti Pellow. "Until we can come up with a way of getting Frankie Dettori out of the TARDIS without alienating the new viewers, we're in a right pickle." |
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| JMS V SFX FEUD FUELLED The Region 2 release of Babylon 5 on DVD will include an audio commentary by the show's creator, Joe Michael Straczynski, where he will analyse in painstaking detail how unbelievably fantastic he really is.
However, the review copy for the sci-fi magazineSFX will be replaced by an exclusive audio track of jms chanting "nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-naahh!" at the top of his lungs instead.
It's the latest round in the battle of words between the two behemoths of science fiction which began when SFX had the audacity to suggest that a few episodes of his space opus were "a bit naff". |
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 DR WHO EPISODE FOUND! The world of Doctor Who was delighted yesterday when episode 3 of the 1964 story 'Marco Polo' was finally discovered - between 'superfan' Ian Levine's buttock cheeks.
"I was having a particularly long bowel movement," explained Levine, briskly. "I was reading Dr Who: A celebration by Peter Haining, and I had just got to a particularly exciting bit - page 73, the one without a mistake on it - when I heard a splash in the toilet bowl and there it was. I was so surprised I nearly dropped my Dorritos."
Dr Who uber-geek Steve Roberts has examined the film and he estimates from the NOPALS FC3533 deterioration that it's spent at least fifteen years in Levine's digestive tract. "He must have swallowed it by mistake along with a huge pile of cheeseburgers and chips", muses Roberts.
Roberts is confident that the episode will be ready for DVD release sometime in the next 30 minutes. "We've just got to wipe the shit off it, and then we'll wake William Russell and force him to talk about it."
The BBC has appealed to other hideously overweight Dr Who fans to look in their folds of flabs for other 'lost' stories.
"There could by episode 4 of the 'Tenth planet' hiding in under a huge flabby double chin, episode one of 'The Invasion' nestling in between several rolls of sweaty gut, or even all of 'The Evil of the Daleks' hiding in a bowl of wotsits. |
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| ANDROMEDA SCRIPT EDITOR SACKED FOR USING BIG WORDS
At last the truth can about the recent and highly publicised sacking of script editor Robert Hewitt Wolfe from Andromeda can be told.
"It just had to stop," explained the show's star, Kevin Sorbo. "In the last script he had me saying words like 'unconsititutional' and 'unimagininativable' - it was getting out of hand!"
The series - now simply called A in order to cut down on the number of syllables Sorbo has to master - will concentrate on more simplistic, predictable and formulaic episode structures, a move echoed by the recent signing of Star Trek: Voyager's Jeri Taylor. |
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| LORD OF THE RINGS AD CAMPAIGN UPSETS ANIMAL RIGHTS GROUPS 
A spokesperson has described how the controversial 'New Zealand Lamb Lord of the Rings' tie-in marketing campaign was all a terrible mistake.
"The Head of Marketing is a bit Mutton Jeff," explained the British arm of the meat giant. |
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| FROM NORWICH WITH LOVE Recent world events have resulted in some major last-minute rewrites for Bond 20, which went into production earlier this month. The original locations of New York, India and Zimbabwe had to be adjusted when Pierce Brosnan refused to fly into troubled war zones.
Now the film will take in the following exotic locations: London, Manchester, Norwich and Basingstoke. The film climaxes with a thrilling high-speed pedalo chase at the Hartlepool Marina.
The film (provisionally titled Bomb the Base) will see Bond take on a British al-Qaeda cell led by by Peter Sallis (Last of the Summer Wine) who is attempting to poison Britain's tea supplies with the ebola virus.
"It's about time Bond turned his attention to home, as all world powers should in these troubled times," suggested Brosnan, speaking through his letterbox yesterday.
In related news, an exclusive multi-million pound product placement deal will see Bond swap his traditional tipple of Vodka Martini "shaken, not stirred" for Red Bull and Vodka "and leave me the can." |
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| SKY TV RELENT AND READ THE MANUALS Sky One have apologised to fans for their decision to broadcast Star Trek, Buffy and Angel episodes in the wrong screen ratio, in this exclusive e-mail sent to Tachyon TV:
r Tachyon TV,
nk you for bringing this problem to o
ntion. We strive to bring the progra
u enjoy so much in the best way pos
d contrary to popular opinion we are
king idiots.
rs sincerely
old Layne.
d of Programming |
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Star Wars Episode 3 to be released as "one big trailer"
 Todd Carty to play Noggin the Nog in big screen remake
Ang Lee annoys purists by making The Hulk orange
Boy Band N Sync to appear in Star Wars Episode 2. "You couldn't make this shit up," said a reporter for Tachyon TV
Sci-Fi Channel Swamp Thing marathon pulls in 3 viewers. "We don't believe it either," said Barry Robertson, head of Programming. "We're thrilled to bits!"
Val Kilmer storms off the set of the new X-Men movie."He wasn't even invited on the tour," said Bryan Singer
Evidence that an all-new Babylon 5 spin-off series may well be on the cards: J. Michael Straczynski spotted in a Sherman Oaks public library hunched over a copy of JRR Tolkiens The Silmarillion, furiously taking notes
The cover of the latest edition of SFX magazine accidentally failed to make the F look like an E, while running a semi-nude picture of Amber Benson. "Damn it," said Dave Golder. "I swear to God, it won't happen again."
BBC launch new consumer show which warns the public about ecological dangers. Doomwatchdog is hosted by Robert Powell.
Douglas Adams' posthumous novel, The Salmon of Doubt, misses second deadline
Channel 5 to remake Sapphire & Steel as Coal & Aluminum
Speilberg to remove sharks, dinosaurs and nazis from the Jaws, Jurassic Park and Schindler's List |
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 The next season of Enterprise will see Carol Decker return as T'Pau in the episode Amok Hair
That Scott Bakula filmography in full: Quantum Leap... er... um... that Clive Barker straight-to-video thing...
 Connor Trinneer, who plays Trip Tucker, is actually sculptured from an extremely rare form of plastic.
Jolene Blalock doesn't find it hard to play the ice-cold Vulcan, T'Pol, on the show. "The truth is that I hate the f**kers in real life too," she says.
 The erotic rub-down scene was cut from the first episode when it aired in Iran, on account of it being "too stupid for words".
"F**K 'em" - Brannon Braga addresses fan concerns over maintaining Star Trek continuity with a prequel series. |
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 The suggestions that never made it to the screen - yet
From: Paramount
To: Brannon Braga
We are more than happy with your suggestion about making one of the crew "gay" as long as he doesn't fancy any of his colleagues under any circumstances including holodeck simulations, parallel realities and wormhole irregularities. Unless you're thinking along the lines of of an incredibly attractive lesbian, in which case, go for it! |
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#2: Anne Robinson
"You are the Weakest Linx. Goodbye!" |
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Nick Faldo
V
Han Solo |
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Fan Cam Channel 5
The reality show which follows Darren Cloughcoat - the fan with a plan. Tonight: after two weeks of successful stalking, Darren attempts to secure Robert Picardo's autograph in the middle of a busy Canadian restaurant.
Changing Universes BBC1
Two sci-fi gods swap places for a week - with hilarious results! This week Jim Henson injects some muppets into the new Babylon 5 spin-off while Joe Straczynski liberally peppers Farscape with Lord of the Rings references.
The X-Files Sky One
Coi Carpe Diem: Mutated coi carp are attacking the mainland. Could it be that fish are behind the conspiracy to take over the planet? It's up to Scully and that other bloke to find out! Featuring the voice of Kelsey Grammar as the lead carp.
Sci-Fi Idol BBC1
10 young hopefuls fight for the role of the spunky ensign in the new BBC Sci-Fi series, Space Port Omega One. This week the contestants repair a warp-core breach in front of a live studio audience. Presented by Danny John Jules and Sue Pollard. |
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"The Updated & Expanded Ultra-F**king Cool & Hip Buffy the Vampire Slayer Companion" (now includes details on all 12 spin-off series). £139.99
"Who Gives a Shit?" - The X Files Season 9 Companion £12.99
"Bollocks" - Dr Who Novel by Lawrence Miles. £5.99 |
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Neil Perryman
Matthew Sawyer
Nev Fountain
John Paul Green |
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This month Darren wants to go to a Buffy the Vampire Slayer convention in Nuneaton.
Train ticket: £74
2 night's in a Travel Tavern: £113
Convention tickets: £90
Spike Costume Hire: £120
Souvenir Programme: £30
Sandwhiches: Free, from Mum
Meeting Amber Benson: Priceless
Can you help Darren and others like him?
Please send your credit card details to:
addict@tachyon-tv.co.uk
Brought to you in association with Hasbro and Forbidden Planet |
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