 BRUCKHEIMER CALLS 911
Details of Jerry Bruckheimer's attempts to reconstruct the horrific events of September 11th have started to leak out.
"It's a love story," explains Jerry. "It's about two data entry monkeys - played by Ben Affleck and Gweneth Paltrow - who work in separate towers of the World Trade Center, but on adjacent floors. They fall in love after goofing off in front of each other through the office windows. It's kinda neat. "The 4 hour film will end with a kick-ass, cgi-fuelled 10 minute sequence which will honor the memory of those innocent souls who died, as we graphically dismember them in slow motion as they kick and scream and fly through the air in an unbelievably cool way".
A memo has also been leaked which includes the following notes:
- Affleck & Paltrow kiss (bullet time)
- Small dog escapes (slo-mo)
- Planes hitting towers (slo-mo split screen multi-angle)
But perhaps the most chilling aspect of the memo is the reference to a "sequel based on a real-life terrorist incident that isn't scheduled to happen until February 2003". |
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| A SWIFT POKE IN THE EYE OF HARMONY, IT'S THE ONLY LANGUAGE THEY UNDERSTAND
Cigar chomping director Michael Winner has expressed an interest in any future Dr Who franchise.
Opening his eyes slightly for a recent press conference, Winner reminisced about watching Dr Who during the 70s in between the making of Death Wish 13 & 14.
"I recall one episode where the chap with curly hair is assaulted by some interstellar thug and I was shocked to find that he didn't really settle the score," wheezed Winner.
"It's my intention to revisit the classic stories and have the Doctor really show the enemy what's for. Armed only with his wits, a revolver, a sock full of coins - and maybe even a small axe - the new Doctor will be a force to be reckoned with!"
Winner confirmed that he had been in talks with the BBC, but he refused to admit that this was in connection with an unpaid TV licence. |
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| BABYLON 5, OAKLAND RAIDERS 24
 The Babylon 5 spin-off series, Legend of the Rangers , has been thrown into doubt after the pilot movie was hammered in the ratings by an NFL football game and an infomercial for osteopathic beds.
"Despite what you may have heard, B5:LotR was a rating success" posted Straczynski in a newsgroup at 4am while everyone else was tucked up in bed. "It's a massive vindication for the genius that is me."
Responding to fan criticisms regarding the pilot film, Straczynski remained unrepentant. "The Legend of the Rangers pilot was deliberately slow, stupid and ugly, which would of course have made it a huge surprise for the audience when the series turned out to be great! It's a classic bit of misdirection; a bit like having a chair kicked from under you, as someone simultaneously pulls the rug that said chair was standing on. It's multi-layered chair kicking!"
The Sci-Fi Channel have so far refused to commission a full series. "What makes matters worse is the fact that Joe ends all his e-mail correspondence with the words 'No story ideas!'" said a spokesperson for the network.
"At first we thought it was to deter fan-fiction, but when we saw his script we realised that he was just being incredibly honest." |
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| H2G2 MOVIE GIVEN GREEN LIGHT
 "Ironically, ever since Douglas Adams died the Hitchhiker's movie project has moved forward in leaps and bounds," said Nick Phillia at Dreamworks. "We like to think of it as a tribute to a wonderful and generous man whose memory deserves to be cherished.
"And the fact that Douglas has snuffed it means we can change anything we like without having to endure one of his bloody temper tantrums."
Rumours that the central concept of The Book has been replaced with The Trading Card in order to appeal to a younger audience has already angered fans, but it appears that this could be the tip of a rather large iceberg.
"Douglas was very stubborn," explains Nick. "For example, he was adamantly opposed to us changing the answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything to 69. He just couldn't grasp the fact that the number 69 is funnier than 42. We have pie charts that prove it! Now he's dead it's no longer a problem and the film can finally move forward." |
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 SW2 FORCED TO RE-SHOOT George Lucas has been forced to mount expensive re-shoots for Attack of the Clones - because nothing in the film can be turned into a computer game.
"It's hard to make a First Person Shooter that revolves around an angst-ridden teenage love story," said a spokesperson for the Xbox.
"We've done our best but the results aren't exactly cutting edge. The cut scenes all involve kissing and stuff, and the end of level boss is an outbreak of acne."
"It's like trying to design a videogame for Dawson's Creek!" complained a coder for Playstation 2. "The sooner that George shoots that 25 minute chase scene the better." |
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| FREE SFX GIFT SCARE
Mrs Barbara Mulligan has criticised genre magazine SFX for attaching a free Stanley Knife to the cover of its latest issue, which resulted in the hospitalisation of her 12 year old son, Kevin.
"The gift was intended to help readers access the perforated Spoiler Zone without ripping it to pieces," explained the editor, Dave Golden. "I swear, it won't happen again."
"Kevin desperately wanted to know what happened in the season finale of Cleopatra 2025 and the next thing I know he's undergoing life saving surgery," said Mrs Mulligan, a tear rolling gently down her face. "Perhaps I shouldn't tell him that they cancelled the series until he comes out of the coma..." |
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 HO-HO-SEVEN Pierce Brosnan is said to be delighted at being paid in whores for the next James Bond thriller.
"I'm delighted," he said.
According to a recent survey for Variety Magazine the whore is now the accepted currency in Tinsel-Town, replacing the Hispanic maid and the Vietnamese orphan. |
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| ENTERPRISE TREADS NEW GROUND The creators of Enterprise claim that the new series will go where no previous Star Trek has ever gone before - because it's the first time that Gene Rodenberry hasn't tried to cop off with any of the female cast.
It's a well known fact that the intergalactic Walrus of Love slipped several lengths of Rodenberry sausage to Nichelle Nichols and that he chalked a second notch on the Enterprise bedpost when his wife played Deanna Troi's mum in The Next Generation.
When he died, Elvis-like, eating a burger and sitting on a pile of unmade scripts of Earth 2, it was thought that his Trek leching days where over, but it's rumoured that before Deep Space 9 one of the cast had a liaison with him.
"I can't tell you who it is," said one Trekkie dribbling down his StarFleet uniform, "but we're certain that Terry Farrell had an alien lifeform pulsating inside her body - and it wasn't a Trill."
Jeri Ryan (7 of 9) thought she would be immune from Gene's loins (on account of him being dead), but while she was in bed with Brannon Braga, his script ideas reached a point of critical absurdity, collapsing the fabric of coherent storytelling which slipped a parallel Rodenberry through a freak wormhole.
It's not clear whether Jeri's wormhole was also slipped into, but he certainly managed to cop a feel of some Borg Implants before Braga could bring Space and Time back to normal in his usual preposterous way.
Rumours that Gene might have cryogenically frozen himself for any future Trek fumblings have resulted in a 24 armed guard on Jolene Blalock who plays T'Pol in Enterprise, just in case he tries the old "let me show you this Earth word called love" line on her. |
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| HOLLYWOOD DEFIES THE LAWS OF PHYSICS Hollywood execs have proved Einstein wrong by cancelling a new sci-fi show BEFORE they had even received the spec script.
"I was in the tub, just about to have the idea," said writer Merl Slymann, "when my agent rang to tell me that UPN would take it."
Unfortunately, he had barely finished a draft of the first script when a second call came through informing him that due to poor ratings Necessary Weevil would be cancelled after only three and a half episodes, finally being trounced by next years' World Series baseball final.
"I wouldn't mind but I forgot to ask them who's going to win!" whined Merl. |
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Ridley Scott to make next movie entirely in slow-motion
 Christopher Reeve to star in A Brief History of Time: The Movie
John Carpenter's new film goes straight to record-over
Tom Baker sacks his Agent after a Signing appearance turns out to be "a room full of deaf fellas"
MGM accidentally hire singer/songwriter Paul Weller to record a commentary for the Robocop Special Edition DVD
The BBC have finally revealed why they let Channel 4 outbid them for Babylon 5 in 1992. "We refused to take the series unless we were given exclusive rights to screen Babylon's 1 through 4 first
Extras sue Planet of the Apes producers for "making them look stupid in a dumb-ass film without adequate warning"
The Never-Ending Story contravenes the Trade Descriptions Act, claim investigating officers
Oasis team up with NASA in an attempt to beat Blur to Mars, with their own cover version of Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds.
"The chances of those soft southern gits writing a half-decent tune are a million to one," said Noel Gallagher. "But still they reach number One. Moolah!"
Austin Powers 3 is now called Dr No Sense of F**king Humor
Fans tell Shatner - "Get a wife!"
Kevin Sorbo learns how to read. Tachyon TV braces itself for its first "cease and desist"
Joss Whedon spotted having lunch with Lucifer, hours before his 4th series commission of the week
Paul McGann's first convention appearance is canceled AGAIN when McGann demands that all attendees are strapped to their chairs and gagged while he reads a pre-prepared statement from behind a shower curtain. |
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 Coincidentally, the name of Carter's production company - 1013 - is exactly the same number of fans left watching the series when the cancellation news came in.
The X-Files is the only television programme in the world where the subtitles have footnotes.
 A new villain called 'Nose That Defies Gravity Man' had to be scrapped when Karl Marlden turned down the role at the last minute. Other villains that never made it past the script stage include 'Eyebrows Too Close Together Man' and 'Debbie Does Dallas'.
The real reason why The X-Files moved from Canada to LA was due to cast members complaining of a persistent "bacony stink" on the set.
 David Duchovny's performance on the show was sometimes so inanimate he could only be filmed by Rostrum Camera supremo, Ken Morse. |
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 The suggestions that never made it to the screen - sadly
From: Fox TV
To: Chris Carter
For the thousandth time: thou shalt not begin any new conspiracies until thou hast answered the questions posed by the old conspiracies. This is your final written warning... |
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#3: David Beckham
"I'm over the Moonbase, Brian" |
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Kevin Smith
V
Bill Bailey |
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Fan Cam, Channel 5
The reality show which follows Darren Cloughcoat - the fan with a plan. Tonight: Darren breaks a court order and gets within 5 feet of Gigi Edgley whilst simultaneously dodging raging bush fires in the suburbs of Sydney.
David Blaine: Deep Pain, Channel 4
Marvel as the master magician attempts to watch the entire series of Seaquest DSV back-to-back while his eyelids are propped open with toothpicks.
The South Bank Show, ITV
An 2-hour profile of the science-fiction great Danny John Jules.
Sci-Fi Idol, BBC1
9 young hopefuls fight for the role of the spunky ensign in the new BBC Sci-Fi series, Space Port Omega One. This week the contestants blurt out reams of technobabble as they come under attack from enemy ships. Tonight's judges are Simon Cowell, Leslie Grantham, Peter Davison and Colm Meany. |
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| "I'm not Spock Either": The Tim Russ Autobiography £15.99
"Christ, These Drugs are Good Shit!" Doctor Who novel by Dave Stone & Paul Magrs £5.99
The Definitive Guide To The Definitive Guides Of Doctor Who £14.99
Oohtini! Star Wars spin-off novel which explores the origins of the third Jawa from the left by Kevin Anderson hb £25.00 Mostly Lifeless: Examining Douglas Adams by the County Coroner £34.99 |
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Neil Perryman
John Paul Green
Matthew Sawyer
Russell Flinn
Nev Fountain
Gay Haley
Phil Biggs
Matt Saffrey
& Liam Sawyer as 'Jar Jar' |
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Darren wants to start a website dedicated to Amber Benson. In order to adequately demonstrate his love for her he'll need industry standard html & image manipulation software, a scanner, a video capture card, a midi keyboard (for the songs he's written about her), some webhosting (enough to stream his collection of slow-motion mpegs illustrating Amber stuttering coquettishly throughout the series). Oh, and a PC. Total price: £3,679
Show Darren and other's like him that you care.
Please give generously...
Please send your credit card details to:
addict@tachyon-tv.co.uk
Brought to you in association with Geocities and 1&1 Hosting |
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