 UPN OPTION JOSS WHEDON SHOPPING LIST
UPN executives are still standing by their decision to buy a shopping list written by Joss Whedon and subsequently discarded in a Los Angeles branch of Dennys.
"We have no regrets," said CEO William Mitchell. "It's a nicely balanced diet of thrills, spills and angst-fuelled stuff the kids seem to love. We're delighted!
"Samuel L Jackson has already expressed an interest in Chocolate Mousse while Rump Steak could easily be a spin-off from Buffy with only the tiniest of modifications!
"Other treats include Semi-Skimmed - a high-octane thriller about a pint of skimmed milk (which is secretly semi-skimmed) who rescues the missing kids on the side of its carton each week (above) - and Firefly Repellent (now shortened to Firefly) is currently in an advanced state of pre-production."
UPN refuses to disclose the amount that was paid for the shopping list but they do stress that the deal came with a handful of Whedon Loyalty points. "If we commission one more series from him we get a free toaster!" |
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| ENRON BANKROLLED SCI-FI SPIN-OFFS SHOCKER!
 Enron, the collapsed US energy giant, has become the centre of a scandal which is set to rock the science fiction world to its core.
Recently released documents suggest that Enron Chiefs paid for five whole seasons of the cult tv show Poltergeist: The Legacy - without informing the company stock holders.
"They just really liked the first Poltergeist movie," explained company auditor David Duncan, himself implicated in the covert financing of 2 episodes of Psi-Factor. "They wanted the magic of that first movie to live on, even if they couldn't actually tie the show into the movie in any way, shape or form. The fact that no-one on the planet knew that the TV spin-off even existed merely allowed them to keep on getting away with it."
Within hours of Enron's collapse the following sci-fi shows reported signs of financial trouble: Stargate, Lexx, Mutant X and Roswell High. Mere coincidence?
Whistleblower Shannon Watkins: "It's the tip of a very large iceberg - they've been at it for years. Now and Again, Dark Skies, Sliders - I'm surprised the company managed to hide its losses for as long as it did." |
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| SCHOOL PREQUEL FEVER
 Following the runaway success of Smallville TV companies are lining up to revitalise their moribund franchises with "origin prequel reimaginings set in a school".
The first cab off the rank is The Young Professionals which sees Bodie and Doyle, played by Jack Ryder (Jamie in Eastenders) and Adam Rickett (above), joining forces in a prissy boarding school in Surrey. Together they stamp out petty thieving, bullying and non-consentual buggery. They are guided by their stern but fair mentor, the Latin master, played by John Hannah.
This is followed by The Really, Really Early Adventures of Batman which explores what would happen if the Dark Knight was born in 1980 and he went to a really grotty comprehensive school in the West Midlands. Can Bruce Wayne hide his secret love of bats from the school bully, the Bastard? This replaces Batman: Year One which would have concerned itself with Bruce Wayne learning to crawl and vomit.
But the most eagerly awaited 'rejuvenation' must be The Angst Files. Scully can't believe how low her homework scores are and so she teams up with the nerdish outsider Spooky Mulder, and together they uncover the conspiracy of the Stat Score Hacker, the Prom Queen Deflowering, and the strange case of the disappearing staff room. They are hindered in their quests by Principal Skinner and the Lambert and Butler Smoking Janitor Man. |
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| THE MONARCHY STRIKES BACK
A leaked Home Office memo suggests that people are more interested in what happens in Attack of the Clones than they are in the Golden Jubilee celebrations planned for later this year.
"No one really gives a fuck," reads the candid internal document. "The only Queen people can be arsed with is Amidala."
The memo goes on to suggest how the Monarchy could "tap into the Star Wars meme" in an effort to boost "failing ratings".
Suggestions include Prince Andrew telling Prince William that is he is his real father, the Queen Mum unmasked as a Sith agent, an electronically modulated voice for the Queen when she addresses Parliament, Harry's final descent to the Darkside, a Burger King Jubilee tie-in, a Gamecube FPS featuring the Duke of Windsor armed with a mini-gun, and finally, a tedious trade blockade with France. |
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| JEAN MICHEL JARRE'S MARS CONCERT
 Picture the scene: Jean Michelle Jarre standing barefoot on Mars, arms outstretched triumphantly as he is backlit by a mushroom cloud above Olympus Mons which has just been nuked from orbit. And that's just the overture.
Later, accompanied by the haunting strains of Calypso Part 12, Jarre will dazzle an assembled crowd of NASA trained astronauts with a laser harp so powerful it will be seen by technicians over 150 miles away - their cue to strap Mike Oldfield into a specially designed probe before launching him into an elliptic trajectory. Oldfield will then sail gracefully towards a laser encrusted landing zone while he strums an electronic mandolin for a new-age remix of Zoolook.
A spectacular finale will result in the totally wasteful - but eyepoppingly beautiful to all those situated in the northern hemisphere - destruction of the International Space Station as as the echoes of Buzz Aldrin crying sorrowfully are skillfully interlaced with a breakbeat Jungle rhythm.
When asked whether the lack of atmosphere at the gig will be a problem, Jarre replied: "It's never stopped me before." |
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| THX A LOT, GEORGE
 George Lucas has revealed that Star Wars Episode 2 will only be released in cinemas equipped with really impressive looking digital projection technology and his new and improved super-enhanced crystal clear 'fuck me' THX sound system.
The new system promises a stunningly clear picture and sound so sharp you could slash your wrists with it. Lucas is very proud of it's capabilities: "Episode 2 is essentially a story about a lovestruck adolescent teenager coming to terms with his rampant midichlorians. It's the perfect showcase for the technology. The quad-split surround sound of Hayden and Natalie toungue fencing will pin you to your seats."
Unfortunately, this new screening stipulation means that Attack of the Clones will only be released in a total of two theatres worldwide so you'd better get yourselves an Arts Council grant so you can start queuing now. |
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| QVC PEDDLES A DIFFERENT BRAND OF SHITE 
In a shock 11th hour reprieve, The QVC Home Shopping network has picked up the Babylon 5 spin-off, Legend of the Rangers. "We're thrilled at the chance to continue this great series as part of our Failed Sci-fi Pilot Hour," explained QVC sales chief, Kathy Nuance. "And J. Michael Straczynski bought enough Star Trek limited edition collector plates from us to fund the entire five year run!"
QVC have revealed a few details about the new Legend of the Rangers Hour which will air at 3am between Diamonique Stereo Units and the Dark Skies Sunglasses Showcase. "When you buy into the five year story arc - in five easy-to-pay installments - we'll throw in four years of tedious painstaking plot setup, lots of red herrings and a profound sense of deja vu," promised the show's host, Graham Shelf.
"It's guaranteed to set pulses racing, while providing peace of mind that nothing too out-of-the-ordinary will happen if you order this incredible, once-in-a-lifetime slice of television history."
And For a limited time only QVC is throwing in all 13 episodes of Crusade for free! "They're slightly soiled so we got them at an unbeatable price!" shouted Graham.
The series also comes with a "We Live for the One, We Buy for the One" postage guarantee. Failure to deliver the item to your door on time will result in the ritual suicide of a QVC telephone operator. Order now to guarantee disappointment. |
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| DIFFERENT DIRECTION FOR FARSCAPE Jim Henson has exclusively revealed to Tachyon TV the overall direction for the next season of his hit sci-fi show, Farscape.
The show, now a joint co-production between the Sci-Fi Channel and the Children's Television Workshop, will be dedicated to the letter D, although Henson hasn't ruled out guest appearances from the letters K and J in future episodes.
"It essentially means that each episode begins with the letter D. For example, Dargo Can Count to 10, Can You? or Did You See the Alien Sneak On Board the Ship? are both potential season openers," explained Henson, flanked by his new co-producers, Bert and Ernie.
The cast aren't so enthused by the new direction. Wayne Pygram, who plays the evil Scorpius, is said to be displeased with a new clause in his contract which stipulates that he must recite a new multiplication table whilst cackling maniacally and rubbing his hands together as small children hide behind dustbins.
But Ben Browder, who plays sex-bomb Crichton, is even more vocal in his displeasure: "Special guest stars like Pierce Bronsan may look good on paper but not when my role in the episode is persuading him to come out of his goddamn dressing room! Screw that! I told them to eat my pop-culture ad lib, baby!" |
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| RIDLEY SCOTT SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT  Ridley Scott has decided to put the whole Bladerunner affair to rest with the release of a extra special DVD edition of the cult classic. "In this final cut of the movie all ambiguity will be stripped naked and whipped within an inch of its sorry multi-layered life," promises Ridley with a decidedly un-ironic use of a big fat cigar.
The fact that the re-re-release is a surefire way to squeeze even more royalty checks out of the smouldering remains of an aging movie is "entirely coincidental," explains the once-cool movie director. "It's primarily designed to stop that jerk from Iowa e-mailing me about it again."
Bladerunner: The Third Time Lucky Special "Moron" Edition, promises a cornucopia of extra features, including Ridley Scott repeating the words "He's a f**kin' replicant, you f**king moron" over and over again in an exclusive 2-hour audio commentary, and a "follow the plot, you idiot" interactive feature will shed further light on the central enigma of this film. |
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Digital Restoration team sacked From The Omen: Special Edition project when they fail to completely remove all the black smudges
 Slow Dazzle unveil their 2003 Babylon 5: Crusade calendar which covers the months January to March SFX Magazine move their offices to a hollowed-out volcano in Bath
Two thousand wooden Enterprise models have been recalled after warping in toy stores
Tea Leoni is reported to be ecstatic after hearing that her husband David Duchovny will appear in the last two episodes of The X-Files. "It's about time he brought some money into the house," she said with a huge sigh of relief
Audiences left fuming when remake of The Time Machine is released 78 years ago by mistake
Slobodan Milosevic vehemently defends Star Trek: Voyager during War Crimes trial
Peter Jackson suffers a mild heart attack after being forced to walk up on stage 3 times to receive his BAFTAs
The SF magazine Dreamwatch will confuse and irritate its readership still further when it expands its 'alternative covers' ploy with 6,000 different covers for each and every issue.The new-look magazine will be over 400 pages long to accommodate the back issues section
The Patrick MaGoohan extradition trial reaches inexplicable conclusion as the defendant is ordered to return to Britain to explain "what the hell is the deal with The Prisoner" in a live TV address to the Nation
Gareth Gates is set to record a cover version of REM's It's the End of the World as We Know It But I Feel Fine for an interactive CD-ROM game about what to do in the event of an alien invasion. The game comes on 12 CDs (8 for the song)
Sophie Ellis-Bextor to play "Third E.B.E from the left" during X-Files climax
The film Tony Hawks Down will reconstruct in graphic detail the terrible back injury that befell the pro-skateboarder as he attempted a dangerous 360 degree lipslide twist in October 1995
Channel 5 are looking for Sci Fi fans to ridicule for a documentary about fandom. Applicants must supply their own uniforms and be "willing to look like complete and utter dickheads for the amusement of the normal people watching at home"
Nine Sky TV continuity announcers fight it out to win a million pounds in The Weakest Links |
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 William Hartnell famously broke the 4th wall when he addressed the audience with the ad libbed line: " Merry Christmas to everyone at home! Except those bloody Darkies!" The BBC maintains to this day that he meant to say " bloody Daleks".
"He was double booked on Crosswits that day." - Producer John Nathan Turner reveals the real reason why Colin Baker refused to film a regeneration scene with Slyvester McCoy.
Following strict orders from BBC Enterprises to remove signs of aging and poor quality from any future DVD releases, the Doctor Who restoration team are currently hard at work digitally erasing Jon Pertwee from every available episode.
 When Tom Baker tells that cute story about the dog that bit him on the lip (lip pictured right) he almost always fails to divulge the fact that he had the dog put down that very same afternoon.
The very first episode of Dr Who cost only £79 to make. Compare that to the £453 spent on Slyvester McCoy's last episode!
Slyvester McCoy's acting technique is so subtle only small dogs and crickets can detect it.
 Peter Davison famously described Dr Who as "godawful shite" during a fanumentary about the sitcom Sink or Swim. |
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 The suggestions that never made it to the screen
From: S. Newman
To: Verity Lambert
For God's sake - no bug-eyed actors! |
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#4: Richard Madely
"Quick Judy! Back into the TARDIS! " |
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Queen Mum
V
Palpatine |
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Fan Cam Uncut, Channel 5
Special late-night edition of the reality show which follows Darren Cloughcoat, the fan with a restraining order. Tonight: gasp in horror as Darren dons a red wig and then masturbates furiously onto some blank CDRs while 'Under Your Spell' by Amber Benson loops continuously on his mp3 player.
The Queue, BBC1
Docu-soap which follows a queue for Star Wars Episode 2 in deepest Croydon. Episode 12: With only 84 days to go, the Queue, sponsored by the London Art Council, runs into funding problems when Billy and Tony decide they should sign on but daren't give up their place to 'Boba', an accountant from Kidderminster. Narrated by Anthony Daniels and Kenny Baker.
Trouble at the Top, BBC2
Clayton Hickman and Gareth Roberts have a fight in the Fitzroy Tavern while Gary Gilliat and a legal representative for Paul Cornell look on in horror. Jon Culshaw is played by Simon Pegg.
Faking It, Channel 4
Follow the trials and tribulations of David Golder as he attempts to run a successful science fiction magazine with no previous training or experience! He is aided in his task by some bloke in a pub. Can he pull the wool over the eyes of 3 morons dressed as Klingons at a convention in Surrey?
Gene Roddenberry's Fun House, ITV
Game show in which 2 teams rifle through the estate of the late Star Trek creator. The first team to find an unproduced series premise wins a percentage of the merchandising rights. Tonight: a rare first draft of Earth 2 is uncovered from behind Gene's fridge but can the other team find a special 3-part mini-series about telepathic aliens hidden in the folds of an easychair in the attic? Hosted by Cat Deeley and Michael Parkinson. |
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| Star Trek: Voyager Technical Manual, volume #32: A in-depth look at the deleterious effects of cheese on Bio Neural Gelpacks. (Foreword by Stephen Hawking) £49.99
Original soundtrack to the hit West End Musical based on Arthur C. Clarke's classic novel. Rendezvous with Rama-lama-ding-dong includes the massive hit singles Big Dumb Object (featuring Rik from Pop Idol) and Kiddy Fiddler Lament (with Jarvis Cocker)
Command and Bonk Her XBox 49.99 - Intense strategy game in which you play an LA entertainment agent who trawls the streets looking for recently arrived wannabe actresses and models. 8 real-time weapons including "a bit part in Stargate", "photoshoot with Keanu Reeves" and "a callback from my people at Warners" |
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| This week we ask: Has Ridley Scott lost the plot?
 "Black Hawk Down was awesome, man! It was like playing a game of fucking Doom or Flashpoint! It really hammered home the horror of war - I loved it when the guy was cut in half by the rotor blade - that was so cool! Ridley is da man!"
 "Why doesn't he make good films anymore? Like Top Gun and Days of Thunder and that one with the elf. His Tom Cruise trilogy is actually pretty cool. I quite like Cameron Crowe one too - the one where the lion nearly eats him. That was fun."
 "If Eisenstien had a copy of Adobe Premiere he'd have made films like Gladiator. It was edited so viciously I actually broke my neck in the middle of a jump-cut! Technically brilliant. I'd give it 2 thumbs up but I'm totally paralysed."
 "When I sneak into my local multiplex to keep out of the cold, I struggle to fall asleep in front of a Scott film. Black Hawk is a bastard to get some kip to. He should make more films like Hannibal - that one was responsible for the best 8 hours sleep I've had in donkeys..."
 "I can't hear you. You'll have to speak up, love! What? Who? No love, you've got the wrong house." |
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Neil Perryman
Matthew Sawyer
Russell Flinn
John Paul Green
Arthur Banks
Darren Floyd |
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