|AT HOME WITH THE BAKERS
MTV UK have previewed a forthcoming attraction in its new autumn lineup - a reality sitcom called The Bakers. Inspired by the hit series The Osbournes, it follows the daily lives of Tom and Colin and their clan as they move to a new Knightsbridge mansion, where they oversee the ups and downs of their respective theatrical, local newspaper journalism and voice-over careers.
Said MTV spokesperson Sophie T. Billyfluff, "We are delighted to have the Bakers as part of our new lineup. After Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's success as TV stars, we set out to find another duo of eccentric Brits, whose attempts to get through the mundane reality of daily life, despite their addled and unique perspectives, lead to all manner of colourful and entertaining situations. Tom and Colin are recognised the world over. Well, one of them is anyway."
Tachyon TV is proud to reveal some exclusive transcripts from the new series:
(Tom is in the study as his wife sorts through paperwork)
Ahhhh......now, where's my filofax, I swear I'd put it down here a moment ago. A vast, bulging thing, swathed in black fake-leather, like the wobbly arse of an ageing and obese prostitute, squatting there vying for my potential entry.
It's there. Right there, in front of you. On your lap.
Ahhhhh, so it is, so it is! Yes, so very perceptive of you! Yes, I WAS actually aware of its location mere centimetres away from my quivering digits, but it allowed one the opportunity to orate in a crude and jocular manner, and as you know I do like to-
Oh f*** off you boring f****r and stick the kettle on.
(Colin and his wife are in the kitchen as their daughter appears, ready for a night out)
Da-aaa-d, I just want money for a taxi to Helen's party, that's all.
A taxi? A taxi? A TAXI? Listen my girl and listen well. I wrote a column not two weeks ago for the Barnsworth Echo about the atrocious overcharging of taxi drivers in the vicinity and I'll be damned, damned, if I'll allow you to wander with all the naivety of youth into their greedy, manipulative clutches!
Oh f*** off dad.
Manners my dear, it's 'Go forth and multiply'!!
(Colin is at his desk in the living room, typing away)
Mr. Baker, it's the phone for you.
If it's the Nuneaton Chronicle, tell them it's in the post. If it's the Leyland and Euxton Courier, tell them I'm on schedule. And if it's the Northcastle Hippodrome, direct them to my agent and tell them I'd like to play Buttons.
It's some bloke from the Doctor Who fan club, wants you to do a convention in Barnsely tomorrow aft-
GIVE ME THAT PHONE!!!
(lunges chaotically and accidentally crashes through a plate glass window)
(Tom and Colin are in the living room, TV switched on)
....so it was Stephen Fry, Brian Sewell, Gore Vidal and myself, and just as I opened my ninth bottle of red, some f***ing c*** of a man in a multi-coloured scarf comes groveling up to me and says -
Oh, balls and damnation! How d'you get this bloody DVD to work?
Christ, please, not another bloody commentary...
No no no no no, they're repeating old editions of 'Crosswits' on Challenge TV and this recordable player is perfect for copying a memento of my extra-Who-iccular achievements to date.
Just don't wipe over my TV ads disk.
(both stop what they are doing and turn to face each other with blankly depressed expressions)
Oh, f*** .....
I was loved once.....yes, I was loved once...