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JMS FANS SHOCKED WHEN 'JEREMIAH' FAILS TO GET CANCELED

Another 22 episodes? No Way!Fans of J. Michael Straczynski (Babylon 5, The Real Ghostbusters, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe) were left in a state of total confusion last week when his latest TV series, Jeremiah, managed to complete its first season without being canceled.

News that JMS had succeeded in making a moderately successful TV series sent shockwaves throughout fandom. "What in Valen's name are we supposed to do now?" asked bewildered fan G'Xananarama. "I had my Save Jeremiah website all ready to go the second the show was axed. Now I don't know what to do!"

A fan-based letter writing campaign to Showtime has already begun.

"We've got the names and addresses of all the right studio executives to harass. Together, we can sink this bitch," said an anonymous fan. "Once the show is dead we can start a new letter writing campaign to get the show saved. It's a bit of a round-about way of doing things, but I had 5000 Save Jeremiah bumper stickers printed up before they shot the pilot and I've got to get rid of them somehow."

JMS was more upbeat about the situation. "I didn't fuck up. This is wonderful news for the show. We now have an excellent chance of being canceled in the second or even third season!"
Buffy Year OneBUFFY YEAR ONE

Buffy the Vampire Slayer returns for a seventh season which creator Joss Whedon has christened "Buffy Year One". At first we thought we must have misread the 7 as a 1 but details about the new season prove otherwise.

In the season premiere, entitled 'Shits and Giggles', Buffy spends her first day at Kindergarten finger-painting, chucking up her Cow and Gate and battling a demon who has stolen the other toddlers ability to sleep during naptime.

"It's a whole new direction for the show" Whedon explained to Tachyon TV while simultaneously working on another 32 TV shows. "We've got a great cliffhanger revolving around an ancient artifact in the Kindergarten toy box with the power to destroy the world's supply of rusks. However, we are having a bit of a problem getting our actors to deliver their lines without dribbling."

Still, it's never stopped them before...
MAN SHOCKED WHEN GIRLFRIEND SHOWS INTEREST IN NEW 'STAR TREK' MOVIE

After downloading the teaser trailer for the new Star Trek: Nemesis movie this week, 26 year old computer programmer Gary Jones from South London was horrified when his girlfriend of six months spotted the trailer on his monitor and announced that it "looked rather good".

Things quickly went from bad to even worse when Joanne, who usually steers well clear of her boyfriend's SF interests, went so far as to enquire when the movie was coming out.

The prospect of having to take his new girlfriend to see a Star Trek movie brings back unpleasant memories for Gary, who took his previous partner to see Star Trek: Insurrection and was promptly dumped the following day. "Frankly, I wish she'd caught me surfing for porn," he said.

THE SEARCH FOR BRITAIN'S ANORAKS

BBC 2 have finally begun broadcasting their controversial new documentary series, a hard-hitting expose of the truth behind the police's hunt to track down and prosecute the country's sci-fi loving geeks.

It reveals how thousands of anoraks operate secretly within the country, often under the cover of perfectly respectable occupations such as journalism or television and radio production, and examines how the internet is constantly being abused.

"With access to the internet, anoraks feel they can distribute fuzzy screengrabs and copyright-infringing fan fiction without the threat of getting caught," explained Chief Superintendent Spatula. "They hide this aspect of their lives from their family and friends but there is a whole subculture of these weirdoes, ready to strike within any area, any street."

Cameras will follow the search for one long-time suspected anorak, who was unable to be named for legal reasons but was referred to by the codename 'Gordon Geeko'.

Police raided his flat to find such paraphernalia as Star Trek uniforms, Tomorrow People video cassettes and, most repulsive of all, badly photocopied Doctor Who fanzines featuring photographs of out-of-work actors as young as 43! Viewer discretion is advised.
BUFFY WHO?

Rumours that the BBC are on their hands and knees begging the makers of Buffy the Vampire Slayer to tell them how to cobble together a half-decent television show became hard fact yesterday when the BBC admitted that talks with Buffy producer David Fury had indeed taken place.

"David has been incredibly helpful," said BBC spokesperson Sue Brainlesscowinatrousersuit. "He told us that to be successful in the current climate we would need to spend large amounts of money on sets, actors and scripts. It's a whacky departure for us, but hey, he knows best!"

Meanwhile, rumours concerning Anthony Stewart Head taking on the mantle of the Doctor were immediately dismissed by the BBC for making far too much sense.
ORIGINAL TRILOGY SET TO BE 'DEHANCED'

Fuzzy Faced Movie Mussolini George Lucas will be 'adjusting' the Star Wars films in his original trilogy to bring them into line with the new episodes.

"We're using new film process called 'making the films shit'" said Lucas. "It's a new process we discovered just before The Phantom Menace, which involves filming 'shit' actors against the backdrop of a 'shit' script, which is then spliced together using 'shit' editing".

Adjusting the earlier films in this way, which were, alas, filmed before this process became common moviemaking practice, will make the six movies fit seamlessly together into a continuous 'shit' experience.

MISSING 'DR WHO' FOOTAGE FOUND

Approximately 18 seconds of William Hartnell coughing and spluttering have been found in a basement in New Zealand. The BBC have announced that the footage will be rush released onto DVD immediately.

Steve Roberts from the Restoration Comedy Team outlined their plans for the disc. "The footage will be cleaned up by running it under the tap and then I'll drop it off at Jessops for a quick touch-up. No one will really tell the difference anyway; you can only polish a turd so much."

The footage will arrive on 2 discs with the second disc containing another treat for the fans. "It's 3 seconds from The Evil of the Daleks which we recently found in a bunker in Uzbekistan," said Steve eagerly. "We're adding a Frazier Hines commentary where he says 'Fuck me! Look!'"

MINORITY REPORT SELL-OUT SPECIAL

This month Tachyon TV takes a long hard look at Steven Spielberg's Minority Report , a film which has taken product placement to new depths of depravity.

Deals were struck with some of the biggest hitters in the commercial sector during the making of this film, including Nike (Just Do It, We Know You Will, We've Seen You), Canesten Combi (We Can See Thrush Coming a Mile Off) and Ronseal Wood Varnish (It Does Exactly What It Says It Will Do in the Future, on the Tin). The film also includes a controversial scene where Tom Cruise's character goes shopping in a branch of What Everybody Wants .

These screengrabs clearly testify to the madness at work here:

Minority Report

Minority Report

Minority Report
David Duchovny's Weblog Part 1 - Monday July 1st:

9am: Woke up early and had some Tea.

10am: Drove Tea to the ante natal clinic with "Pampers Wearing Man" and then I came back and checked my answer phone messages - nothing doing. Watched E! repeat just in case.

10:23am: Rang Agent. No answer. Found a great website to share with you. It is very useful.

11:01am: Rang phone company to check that my phone is still working. They told me that it works fine but I still can't hear it ringing so something must be wrong.

11:03am: Change battery on mobile phone. It still isn't receiving any calls! It must be a conspiracy.

12:04pm: Felt at a loose end so I took some photographs of myself with a teacup on my genitals because it reminds me of Tea. Felt sad. Watched CNN. Felt even sadder - no mention of the next X-Files motion picture in whole goddamned entertainment report.

2:05pm Tea arrives home with "Pampers Wearing Man". She bounces him on my knee and then we have that arguement about responisibilities and bread winning again.

3:37pm David Caruso swings by for a chat. It seems that his phone is playing up too.

4pm: I suddenly hit upon the idea of using my mobile phone to call my home phone and vicera versa, but something must be wrong because both phones rang OK. It must be something to do with the range...

4:12pm: Another great website I thought I'd share with you.
 
Issue 7: Summer 2002
BREAKING NEWS
George W. Bush temporarily hands over the running of the country to Dick Cheney so he can watch his DVD box set of 24 in one sitting
The Big Brother contestants have failed their weekly task and they will now be subjected to 12 straight hours of Sliders in the poor side's bedroom
A series of Farscape movies have been given the green light. Proposed titles include The Farscape Movie, The Great Farscape Caper, The Farscape Christmas Carol, Farscape Treasure Island and Rygel Takes Manhattan. Frank Oz is rumoured to have a hand in the project
Tim Burton's The TripodsTim Burton's plans to re-imagine the cult BBC show The Tripods shows signs of progress with these new designs which promise a radical reworking of the show's original premise
Neil Kinnock finally admits to decapitating the statue of Margaret Thatcher. "There can be only one, boyo," he said in his defence
Keanu Reeves accidentally sold to a doll collector during Hasbro Trade Show appearance
Freddy V Jason movie finally gets the green light with Ron Perlman as Freddy Mercury and Brad Pitt as Jason Donovan, recreating that epic battle for the Number One spot in April 1989
SPIELBERG FACTBOX
StevieMany people have described Spielberg's 'childlike attitude' to making movies. This
actually means he cries and then sulks in a corner when he doesn't get his own way.

Spielberg isn't actually Jewish. It's just that the rest of the world is slightly less Jewish than he is.

Working titles for Indy IV are said to include: Indiana Jones and the Prostate of Doom, Raiders of the Lost Heart Bypass and Bugger this for a Game of Soldiers, I'm Knackered

Nice to Eat You, to Eat You NiceSpielberg christened the shark in Jaws Bruce, after Bruce Forsyth, "because his lower jaw was continuously fucked up as well."

Spielberg's film 1941 was seen by exactly the same number of people.

Anthony Hopkins is Alan SugarSpielbergs most ambitious historical epic was Amstrad, which told the story of the legendary Alan Sugar and his fight against Clive Sinclair. (It was a sequel to Sugaralan Express)

In order to add a childlike sense of wonder to his film Schindler's List, Spielberg has insisted that all the Nazi guards be armed with mobile phones in all future releases.

we're gonna need a better actorRoy Schneider refused to work properly throughout the making of Jaws, and he actually exploded once when he was put in the water!

Spielberg's next movie is called Catch Me If You Can - a biopic of the life and times of misunderstood comedian Duncan Norville.
IN THE SHOPS
Babylon 5 season 1 DVD Boxset Includes many features, including a
commentary from a random B5 fan saying "this isn't actually a very good episode, this one, just wait 'till the next one. Oh no, this one isn't that good either. Wait 'til series 3 then it starts to get good, honest." £74.99

Pipkin Play as either Hartley the Hare or Pig in this Gamecube offering based on the slightly disturbing children's TV show from the 80s. £34.99
CLONE WARS
Pig           Jade

Jade Goody
V
Gamorean Guard
DR WHO OF THE MONTH
#8: Stephen Hawking

Stephen Hawking is the Dr!

"Do-not-exterminate!"
TV CHOICE
The Osbourns - ITV2
Norman and Harry Osbourn invite Peter Parker over for lunch at their mansion.

Big Brother 3 - Channel 4
Find out which housemate will be nominated to have the rat cage placed over their face.

Sci-Fi Focus - BBC1
Alan Hansen describes the Jedi defensive formation in Attack of the Clones as "shocking", while Mark Lawrenson likens Obi-Wan's attacking stance to an arthritic donkey. Chaired by Gary Linekar, who quite fancies Padme.

Blakes 7 - BBC2
Another chance for Joe Straczynski to take notes.

Braga & Piller Unplanned - ITV
Improvised sci-fi show where the writers don't know their arses from their elbows.

Ray Mears World of Sci-Fi - C5
Just how did Poltergeist the Legacy survive for so long as a TV series.

Countdown - Channel 4
Richard Whiteley launches the Space Shuttle live from Cape Canaveral.

Fifteen To One - Channel 4
Bookies explain the chances of Mutant X going to another season.

V Graham Norton - E4
The camp host puts down the evil Diana and her lizard invaders from space.

DIY SOS FAB - ITV
Got a wonky shelf? Call for International Rescue!

Big Brother 3 - Channel 4
The Thought Police enter the Big Brother house but leave empty handed after a thorough search.

Jackass - Channel 4
This week: David Duchovny.
COMING SOON
Minority Support
BACK ISSUES
Back Issues

Issue 0: Christmas 2001

Issue 1: January 2002
Issue 2: February 2002
Issue 3: March 2002
Issue 4: April 2002
Issue 5: May 2002
Issue 6: June 2002
Issue 7: July/Aug 2002
Issue 8: September 2002
Issue 9: October 2002
Issue 10: November 2002
Issue 11: December 2002
Issue 12: Christmas 2002
Issue 13: January 2003
Issue 14: February 2003
Issue 15: August 2003
Issue 16: September 2003
Issue 17: November 2003
CONTRIBUTORS
Neil Perryman
Matthew Sawyer
Nev Fountain
David MacGowan
John Paul Green
Arthur Banks
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